Father’s Day!

This Father's Day I am thinking about my son-in-law Shawn.

I am thinking about the love and respect he has for my daughter Jackie, that he shows in public but also in every moment I have seen them together in the past 10 years.

And I am thinking that this is a big part of what makes him such a terrific dad, and also a big part of what makes my grandchildren such happy and confident (and accomplished-- eight-year-old Rosa just won a state leadership award!) girls.

"But he's a good father" is something I hear over and over again from women whose husbands brutalize and terrorize them.

A man is not a good father if he mistreats the mother.

Abuse of the mother is abuse of the child (apart from the direct abuse to the child that may be occurring).

It traumatizes a child when the father mistreats the mother, even when we tell ourselves children don't see it because they are sleeping, or voices are low, or the door is closed. Children always know.

A father's cruelty to the mother give the family’s boys and girls the wrong message about what is acceptable behavior from an intimate partner, and also to an intimate partner.

Mistreatment of the mother stresses her out and monopolizes her thoughts and time, so she cannot be the mother she should be and wants to be and the children suffer because of this.

There are so many things about Shawn's fathering that I marvel at, including the laughter and fun he generates, the time he devotes to doing things with them like reading, cooking, and bike rides, and how he equally takes on child-rearing duties such as driving them to skiing and horse-back riding lessons and getting them ready for bed.

But there is one thing that tops all of this when it comes to admiring and appreciating the father that Shawn is to my grandchildren: The respect he has and shows for their mother.