Mary Lou
Mary Lou’s Power and Control Wheel
MORE TO THE STORY
Mary Lou’s voice gets louder in this exciting Finding Our Voices collaboration with DocSong, “a unique, step-by-step method of co-writing music that fosters empathy, boosts self-confidence and strengthens community."
Watch a performance of “Got More Living To Do.”
Vocalist, Suzie Assam from Portland, Maine.
Story Source: Mary Lou Smith
Teaching Artists: Stephanie Judy, Alex Adams, Raphael Meulemans
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I flushed away all my pills
He came back with a gun,
I was crying.
I was scared
But I said
No, Mary Lou.
You got more living to do
No, Mary Lou
You got more living to do
I pulled my car out the driveway
Drove away from that hell on earth
I was crying.
I was scared
But I said
No, Mary Lou.
you have more living to do
No, Mary Lou.
you have more living to do
Forty three long years
I lost my soul
Couldn’t see the man
I used to love
I walked out, I divorced Charlie
I will never be victim again.
I was crying.
I was scared
No, Mary Lou.
you have more living to do
No, Mary Lou.
you have more living to do
No, Mary Lou.
you have more living to do
No, Mary Lou.
you have more living to do
Leaving Charlie
Watch Mary Lou's short film about survival and hope after 43 years of living with domestic violence (15 min).
My name is Mary Lou Smith.
I am a seventy-nine-year old survivor of domestic violence. I left my abusive marriage on August 21, 2005 at the age of sixty-five. I have worked very hard over the last fourteen years to resurrect myself from the ashes of domestic violence. I almost ended my life the day before I left, to stop the pain of my abuser. When I told my ex-husband how desperate I was, and that I had attempted suicide, he went and got a gun and said, "I'll show you how to put a gun to your head and be successful committing suicide."
I can still hear the cylinders spinning. I didn't leave until the next day. If fact, we went to the movies and to 5:30 mass that afternoon.
Insanity!
My ex-husband had his doctorate and was a professor in a graduate program. He was well respected by his students, colleagues, and the community.
Neither family nor friends suspected there was abuse going on in our house. Every one was surprised and shocked that "the perfect Smith's weren't perfect." My dream is to help one person, I may never meet, leave an abusive relationship.
I am the voice for those still living with abuse. I do not list what I have done for recognition but to share where my journey out of domestic violence has taken me. I have been the keynote speaker at the Family Crisis Gala (now, "Through These Doors"), have numerous editorials published in the Portland Press Herald and Maine Sunday Telegram, spoken to dental students at University of New England Dental School two years in a row, as well as to church, community, and women's groups, and having spoken and participated in a panel discussion at the Southern Maine Harm Reduction Conference at the University of New England last fall. I was chosen as one of eleven participants around the US to be interviewed and be a part of a video series by National Clearing House for Abuse in Later Life's video project, "Lifting Up the Voices of Older Survivors," which will be posted on the Department of Justice's website this month.
My story is ageless and timeless. When my granddaughters were at the University of New Hampshire and the University of Maine Orono respectively, they would show my video to their friends. When a friend of theirs was in an abusive relationship, they would say, "Didn't you watch my grandmother's video"?
I am a strong and faith-filled woman. I am committed to telling my story and showing my video, "Leaving Charlie," to give hope and courage to others living in abusive situations, and to tell them: NO ONE DESERVES TO BE TREATED THAT WAY.
My abuser has died so I feel safe sharing my story. I have the support of my two of my sons. One son has nothing to do with our family because I ruined his father's "good name." Sadly, my only daughter committed suicide on March 31, 2015. She struggled her whole life wanting her father to love her just for who she was...
I have included two poems. I wrote one two months before I left my ex-husband and the other was written thirteen days before I left. Both poems are about IT... "IT" was domestic violence, but I didn't know it at the time. I was shocked and surprised when I was told I was a victim of domestic violence after I left and was suffering from PTSD.
Listen to Mary Lou on the Overcome Outloud podcast, with Charlie Smith
On this episode of Charlie Smith’s podcast about overcoming adversity, his guest is our very own Mary Lou, sharing how they were terrorized in their home and how it affected them separately and as mother and son.
Read Mary Lou’s Poems
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I wrote this poem on June 24, 2005, two months before I left my husband.
IT sits in my stomach!
IT aches in my heart!
IT encompasses my being!
IT chokes at my soul.
IT kills my spirit!
IT eats at my thoughts!
IT puts a cloud all around me!
IT swallows my self-esteem!
IT is ugly!
IT is cold!
IT is angry!
IT is empty!
IT is controlling!
IT is powerful!
IT is painful!
IT is sad!
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Written on August 8, 2005, thirteen days before I left my ex-husband
IT is happening again!
What is IT?
IT is silence, withdrawal…after a day of verbal abuse and anger.
Why do I stay here?
The MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION??????
FEAR
INSECURITY
HABIT
LOW SELF-ESTEEM
I don’t enjoy IT.
I don’t get treated by anyone else I have encountered this way.
I allow myself to be put down and humiliated.
I feel trapped and stuck when IT happens.
How do I begin to open the door to self-worth and be free of fear?
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You never took the time to know me.
You never took the time to listen to my dreams.
You never took the time to understand what was in my heart.
You never took the time to feel my love for you.
You were so self-absorbed and self-centered.
You couldn’t understand what you did to me.
You didn’t see me slowly die before you.
You saw it in the end and offered me a gun.
You are no longer a part of my life.
You are only a painful memory of my past.
Your power and control have lost their fire.
Your empty words and promises have gone up into thin air.
You never took the time to know me.
You never took the time to listen to my dreams.
You never took the time to understand what was in my heart.
You never took the time to feel my love for you.
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Tears well up in my soul.
Darkness of abuse surrounds me.
Its horror twirls and swirls tightly around me,
Trying to smother and overpower me.
I read the paper.
I watch the news
I search my soul and
I am filled with sadness and anger.
The abuser denies the abuse.
They are “alleged”,
Even when photos appear showing the brutality of the abuser.
And the “mighty and powerful” decry,
“I am innocent!”
I protected my abuser’s “good name”.
I endured the abuse silently and alone.
I considered suicide to find peace.
I lived in denial, fear, power and control.
I found the courage to leave my abuser.
I stand in the truth and share my journey.
I give HOPE,
And pray you will LEAVE.
Update—May 4, 2020
During my forty-three-year marriage, I lost the essence of who I really was. Each time I made the choice to avoid conflict and sacrificed myself and my children for “PEACE AT ANY COST!’, by living with each of the rules and absolutes of Charlie’s power and control…I was living the life of the walking dead. I resurrected myself on August 21, 2005 when I made the choice of leaving Charlie and never looked back. “It’s never too late to leave!”
Below is a litany of some of the absolutes and rules that were a part of myself and my children’s lives during those forty-three years: (these are only the ones I remember)
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March 24, 2014
Charlie,
You are an evil monster. Your path of physical, emotional and verbal destruction of me and our children have left an irrevocable mark of your abuse on our souls. Do you remember…
-breaking my heart when all I wanted was to be loved and respected by you.
-mocking me anytime you got a chance.
-giving me black eyes and bruises on my arms and a broken heart.
-physically, verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusing me, Charlie, Cathy, Dan and Bill.
- calling me and our children, crude and unspeakable words too numerous and too horrible to write
-getting extremely angry with me, when you had an antiphallic reaction and I called Norman Graves for help to get you to the hospital. You said, “I was a bleeding heart and it was no one’s business to know what was going on in our lives.”
-not accepting the fact that it was easier for Charlie (son) and Vicki to go to NH than come to ME first. It was the basis of our last fight and my ex went into a rage and refused to go to NH.
- destroying Cathy’s record player and my favorite clock by stomping on them and breaking them into many pieces.
-destroying the brass crucifix in Danny’s room right before we were leaving for his Confirmation ceremony.
-no flavored coffee
-spoiling most delicious home-cooked meal I prepared by getting angry over some minute insignificant comment or remark by one of us that caused you to be angry and destroyed our time together.
-spoiling most celebrations, holidays, and weekly mass by causing a fight, either before, during or after.
-not allowing any of us to wear white jackets because only floosy from the VFW wore white jackets. You felt only idiots would drive a white car in Maine and “ONLY “drug dealers wore pink shirts with white collars.”
-no sneakers without socks
-saying that your cruel verbal abuse “were only words and can’t hurt.”
-telling me “to grow up” when I was crying when you physically and verbally abused me.
- calling me selfish, and self-centered, “ just like your mother.”
-saying, “What until people find out what a fake and fraud you are.”
- saying “I emasculated you” when all I was doing was telling by truth. The only good idea was your idea
-getting angry when I “made noise” turning pages in books and magazines while you were watching TV.
-getting angry when I had ankle surgery during hunting season.
-creating hell on earth in every house we ever lived in.
-finding fault with most people who weren’t up to your standards. You found fault with your most loyal friend, who stood by you when I left. You never went to see him when he was home and couldn’t come to visit you when he was dying. You expected him leave his sick bed to come and see you.
-ridiculing my mother, calling her an “aggressive bitch” because she was independent and spoke her truth.
-monitoring my phone calls and even telling Billy I was sleeping when I wasn’t. When I was on the phone with Billy you would say, “Isn’t time he grew up and he stopped sucking on your tit”. You would holler to me that I had been on the phone long enough.
-telling me I was too holy in church. It was early in our marriage in Florence, MA. I loved to fold my hands and sang with all my heart and soul and you said to me, “Who are you trying to impress?” and I closed down immediately.
-buying all your expensive “toys” and hollering at me for spending $20 at Reny’s after spending a fun day with friends.
-sending your evil-eye to me across the table when we had company because I had said something you didn’t like. Of course, no one else saw it but me; my eyes would water and my stomach was turned into knots and I would close down…and keep “smiling”
-ridiculing anything, I like to eat.!” It was easier to cook what you liked and avoid getting put down.
I love popcorn you said, “They feed corn to pigs”
- collecting shells every time I went to the beach. You said, “How many fucking shells do you need?”
-trying to destroy my friendship with a good friend. Telling me she would stab me in the back the first chance she got.
-telling each of the children, “they were nothing and would amount to nothing.”
-pointing a gun at my son Charlie on a Christmas evening.
-pointing a gun at Billy while hunting in northern Maine, and telling him there were hunting accidents if he didn’t do what you asked him to do.
-pointing a gun at me explaining, “I will show me how to be successful committing suicide” To this day I can still hear the cylinders spinning.
-always being angry. It felt like living in a room full of dynamite with a match an inch away.
-being cordial and smiling when guest would arrive after you had been angry and hostile before they walked in the door. You would ask, “Do you love me?” In my heart I didn’t but I would say, “Yes!” and hug you. Peace at any cost…sold my soul to the devil.
-deceiving me into thinking you loved children and were a holy man when we were dating.
-almost killing young Charlie with your car.
-beating the shit out of Charlie.
-controlling everything we ever did.
-screaming at Billy (5 yrs. old) on the Maine Turnpike because he was choking on a piece of McDonald’s apple pie. You blamed Billy for causing the piece to get stuck in his throat. I think of that incident every time I go by the spot on the turnpike.
-getting upset when I handed you money at the tolls with my left hand. I always had to hand to you with my right hand.
-wanting three shower hooks on either side of the bathmat.
-getting upset and angry when I got more junk mail than you.
-getting upset when there were dishes in the sink and the sponge wasn’t in the right place.
-depriving me of the voice to speak openly and honestly to you because of the fear I felt towards you 24/7.
-telling me, “You can never leave me, you have no health insurance, a lousy retirement and no family.”
-your “Jekyll and Hyde” personality that would change in a split second without warning or reason.
-cheating and robbing me of the best years of my life.
-cheating our children out of their childhoods.
-spending thousands of dollars on 45’ trawler from CA, lake boats, guns, fishing and hunting equipment and trips, snowmobiles and trailer and on and on when we didn’t have a penny in savings and lived month to month.
-monitoring and complaining about what I spent on annuals each spring. You would say “They are all going to die anyway”. I worked at splitting my perennials to replace planting annuals.
-the anxiety and fear I live with never knowing when your bad moods would erupt.
-for treating me like your slave with no rights or privileges.
-no compacity to believe or admit the pain and suffering you have caused me, Charlie, Cathy, Danny and Billy.
-being the barometer of our day, “What kind of mood is Dad in today?” set the stage for most of our days. If you were in a bad mood, we all scattered to safe places.
-ridiculing me and never accepting me for who I was. I fell into your trap and lost my real self.
-DESTROYING THE LOVE, WE ALL FELT FOR YOU BY YOUR ABUSIVE EVIL DARK BEHAVIOR.
-for ruining our trip to Montana by getting angry when I suggested we go to a program the Information guide suggested. It sounded like it would be fun and informative but you got angry and abusive for days after because … you felt it was the stupid and they must be getting a kick back if we bought the tickets. (And of course, it wasn’t your suggestion)
-for your anger on our train ride across the country numerous times for no reason.
-hurting me over and over and over and over and over again and blaming me for getting you angry.
-leaving the house and being gone for days and not knowing where you were. I felt a false peace while you were gone but always watching my back because I knew you would be back.
-going to NYC to a conference you hadn’t planned on and met a colleague, because we had a fight about wall paper. Never calling me and coming home like nothing happened.
-not allowing any color but white on all the walls in our house on Honeysuckle Lane.
-my diagnosis of PTSD after so many years of living in FEAR with you.
-for suffering from Domestic Violence and never knowing my suffering had a name.
- “Italians were ignorant and low class” and calling me a “dumb, fat-assed Italian”.
-your cruelty that would rise up and your eyes would be hollow and black and your face would turn beet red and I feared for my life and the life of our children.
-you were a Supreme Monarch with absolute power and control over me, Charlie, Cathy, Dan and Bill and we let you because we were so afraid.
-not supporting me when I was working hard at losing weight.
-casting a dark terrifying energy when you were in the house.
-being jealous and angry when I was doing something for someone else.
-for slamming Charlie against the brick fireplace.
-tormenting Billy because you thought he was sensitive and fear-filled.
-never being there for me when I needed someone to love and care for me. Yes, you loved taking care of me after my surgeries because I was helpless and you were in control. It was when I was sad and upset you always got angrier and more hostile towards me.
-not spending time with our children and giving them the support and unconditional love, they needed from their father. You were always impatient with them. You were always there for other people’s children but your own, your grad students etc.
- having double standards when it came to what you did and what we did. You expected everyone to be ready at the door and ready to leave when YOU were ready. God forbid one us were delayed or not right there when you were ready and there was hell to pay.
-fishing for the perfect fish while I was chasing four children around bridges and streams. I had to keep them away from you and made sure they didn’t throw rocks in the stream and disturb YOU and the fish. It would go on for hours. It was time you could have taught your children to fish but they would tangle their lines and it was all over. Fishing Time was YOUR time and we watched and I worked hard trying to control four beautiful children from your wrath.
-making camping a chore instead of a relaxing experience. There were some fun times but we had to adhere to your rules for that to happen.
-getting angry and very upset because I spent a week at my cousin’s cottage. You would ask people, “Does your wife go places for a week without you?” I remember my relief when I got in the car to go there and my anxiety and fear as I was driving back home.
-your remarks after I went to see Jennifer. (my therapist) “Has she told you to shit-can me?”
-causing so much fear that when the children heard your tires on our gravel driveway, they would scatter to their bedrooms to avoid you.
-making me put the dimmer switch higher when I wanted it less bright when we had guests. You said, “I want to make sure she doesn’t kill me.”
-getting angry with me when I wouldn’t give you a “Christmas hug” on Dec, 25, 2007. I can still see the quick change in your face from smiling to red anger and hate. It was on the day that I decided we could never have “as friendly relationship”. I also decided not have anything to do with you.
-for feeling superior and blameless throughout your life.
-manipulating the truth to fit you needs. You called it “embellishing” the facts. I call it lying.
-not understanding and believing that I will never come back to you. In the past, I would “surrender” who I was to “keep the peace”. You are dead in my heart and my soul.
- you saying, “I will go to my grave knowing you NEVER supported me.”
Charles F. Smith, 84, Died, Sunday, February 5, 2017